Healthy Self-Esteem Is Not About Having A High Opinion Of Yourself

Neither arrogance nor self-hatred constitutes a healthy self-esteem, so what does?

What is self-esteem?

You could give a variety of correct answers. Our opinion of ourselves, our level of self-respect or self-confidence, the view we hold of ourselves. We all know what self-esteem is insofar we should have a healthy one. But what, really, constitutes a healthy self-esteem?

Think of self-esteem as a spectrum. On one side, say, the far right, is extremely high self-esteem—arrogance. On the other side, say, the far left, is extremely low self-esteem—self-hatred.

It may seem obvious to some to put a healthy self-esteem in the middle of these two extremes; however, in practice, it really plays out that way. While truly healthy self-esteem is balance between arrogance and self-hatred, so often in society one of the extremes is portrayed instead as healthy self-esteem.

In a culture that presses us to be ourselves, to be individual, to value our uniqueness, often our self-esteem begins to tip toward arrogance. No longer are we accepting of ourselves, but we must force others to be accepting of us as well. Someone who disagrees with us must be put in his place; the character of anyone who challenges our lifestyle must be challenged likewise. This is not healthy self-esteem; after all, a truly self-esteem is not based in the opinions of others. Becoming aggressive toward those who challenge or disagree with us is not an example of healthy self-esteem but of arrogance; it indicates that the parameters of one's self-esteem have been extended beyond oneself and into the esteem of those around him or her. Essentially, this idea that others must agree with us only feeds a sense of arrogance as opposed to self-esteem.

However, our culture conversely often encourages a sense of self-hatred as well. Instead of fighting against those who disagree, we are instead taught to take their words to heart. If someone says that we are ugly, that we are worthless, that we are unimportant, we are taught to believe these lies, to accept them as truth. We are taught that this exceptionally low self-esteem is "selfless" or nurtures kindness, when in fact it is even more unhealthy than arrogance. Having insecurities in of itself is not horribly unhealthy, as we are all in some way insecure; however, feeding these insecurities by taking in the cruel words of others as truth is exceptionally unhealthy and can lead to the development of diseases like depression or anxiety.* Our society ingrains in us this idea of a tragic hero, bravely suffering unimaginable pain in silence, despite the fact that pursuing such an archetype is exceptionally unhealthy, unreasonable and unnecessary in practice, especially when applied to internal pain, turmoil or low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is not about putting oneself down, but regarding oneself in honesty, which neither self-hatred nor arrogance accomplishes.

So, then, the question remains: What is healthy self-esteem?

However, such a question cannot be answered without first delving into the relationship between self-esteem, self-centeredness and humility. Firstly, I am going to make a unique distinction between self-centeredness and selfishness, purely so as to prevent confusion on my meaning in using the word self-centeredness. Self-centeredness is unconscious behavior in which the individual places himself before others, while selfishness is conscious behavior in which the individual places himself before others. To use an example, a selfish act is teasing someone about his appearance in full awareness that that person is self-conscious about his appearance—basically, attempting to tear down that person's self-esteem in an effort to feel superior or to gain popular points with witnesses—while a self-centered act is teasing someone about his appearance without considering the fact that this person might be self-conscious about his appearance—basically, being oblivious to that other person's thoughts and feelings in lieu of one's own. While we have all been selfish in our lives, self-centeredness is far more common and far harder to root out. After all, we are conscious of making selfish decisions; we have to become exceptionally self-aware to notice when we are making self-centered decisions.

I will tie this back to self-esteem in a moment, but first let me define humility. Humility, as I am going to use it, is the recognition of one's inherent value or worth without being overly concerned with it. A humble person recognizes his strengths and weaknesses but does not agonize over his feelings nor does he gloat over his victories. He feels confident enough in himself so that he does not need the recognition of others.

So, how does self-centeredness and humility tie back to self-esteem? Someone with a healthy self-esteem is not someone who is obsessed with himself, or who hates himself. Someone with a healthy self-esteem is someone who hardly thinks of himself at all. Someone with a healthy self-esteem does not need others' recognition to build up or break down his self-esteem, nor does he obsess over his reputation. Someone with a healthy self-esteem is self-aware enough to avoid self-centeredness; after all, both arrogance and self-hatred are based in self-centeredness, in spending too much time celebrating or agonizing over oneself instead of letting go of oneself. Someone with a healthy self-esteem is humble; he does not feel challenged when others make negative comments, nor does he desire praise so as to recognize his own worth and value.

Someone with a healthy self-esteem is confident in himself: He knows exactly what his strengths are and continues to build on his weaknesses. He may not be perfect, but he is willing to change and adapt. When others criticize him, he knows how to listen to the truth of their words while ignoring the sting; he does not let their criticism tear apart his opinion of himself, nor does he feel the need to fight against them for what they have said. He is willing to stand up for himself but will not become defensive when faced with the truth of who he is; he is honest with himself and with others.

Healthy self-esteem isn't about blocking out the world or accepting everything the world says as truth; it's about finding confidence within oneself, regardless of the opinions of others. It's about respecting one's inherent worth without feeling that he is perfect because of this inherent worth. It's about recognizing weaknesses without feeling that he is defined solely by these weaknesses. It's about seeing oneself clearly, without prejudices or insecurities or denial or dishonesty.

It is not easy to achieve a healthy self-esteem, and it's a process that everyone faces for the entirety of their lives. But arriving at a point where you can recognize your failings, your strengths, where you can see yourself for who you are instead of who you project yourself to be or who other people believe you to be, will work wonders in your life, in your mental and emotional well-being, in your relationships, in your perception of the people around you. If you can see yourself clearly, then you have cleaned the lens through which you see the world, and that skill is far more valuable than all the fame, respect and good reputation in the world.

*A note on anxiety, depression and related diseases: It is important to note that the individual should never be blamed or shamed for the development of mental diseases, as only with love, support and proper treatment can these diseases be addressed and managed—the individual cannot simply make himself "feel better," whether or not a previously existing low self-esteem caused the disease in the first place. Oftentimes, a low self-esteem is the result of such diseases; the line between cause and result is blurred, and wasting time trying to blame the individual accomplishes nothing.