How to Create True Love

A short guide to breakthrough relationships

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A relationship usually starts with a honeymoon period in which each person is infatuated with the other. This period can last from a few weeks to a few years, but usually last for about six months. During this time, each person can only see the desirable characteristics in the other, and each person ignores or minimizes any undesirable or unpleasant aspects of their partner.

On the face of it, at these times, it seems that we have found our perfect mate. We can’t stop thinking about them, and we feel euphoric knowing that they are alive and are “ours.” We become highly sensitive to any signs that we might lose them. Meanwhile, we usually have an unconscious agenda to enter into a relationship with someone who exhibits some behavioral resemblance to our primary caregiver, or to an important person in our early lives.

Our unconscious mind is attempting to re-experience this old relationship, and for the experience to be happier, healthier, and more productive this time. What usually happens, in fact, is that we begin to become consciously aware of the less favorable aspects of our partner. This is when the arguments start.

After six months to a year, we move out of the honeymoon phase and into a transitional period, the outcome of which will determine the long-term viability of the relationship. The relationship will then do one of the following things:

End in a breakup.Persist in some unpleasant state such as perpetual bickering or an emotionally cold limbo.Break through, with fulfillment, into a deeper level of connection.

There are many different ways that the transition phase can be experienced, but at it’s core each person seems to not behave how the other wants them to. For example, they might not give us enough attention, or they might be too preoccupied with us, or they might have habits that annoy us, or they might not talk to us in the way we want them to. How we handle this, mostly inside ourselves, is what determines how we exit this transition phase, and it also what determines the long-term prognosis for the relationship.

To break through into a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with the whole of the other person, both people must either have the following skills or be willing to develop them:

Each person must be willing to take 100% responsibility for their own emotional reactions.Each person must be willing to take the risk of sharing feelings and thoughts that are shrouded in shame.Each person must truly desire to be in an adaptive and healthy relationship, and believe that it’s possible.

Breaking through in a relationship is both extremely simple, and extremely hard. It requires continual, brutally honest self-awareness. It requires that we be continually vulnerable. It requires that we take the leap of trusting our partner with moment-to-moment secrets that we would usually keep from them, and that might even keep from ourselves.

I’m staying in hospital right now, recovering from a blood clot that was blocking the main vein in my arm. The root cause was that the vein was being crushed between some muscles and one of my ribs, and the long-term solution was to remove the rib.

After the operation to remove the rib, I found that I was unusually emotionally sensitive. I noticed that I was feeling irritated by the nurses and the nursing assistants, and they also seemed to be irritated with me. I also found that I was experiencing negative emotions related to Facebook, feeling envious of others, for example.

I was basically suffering more than usual, feeling emotionally triggered, and that in itself was concerning to me. I decided to resolve the problem using the skills I described above, skills that are critical for primary intimate relationships, but also skills that can be transferred and used to transform any relationship.

I started by taking 100% responsibility for my emotional reactions. I refrained from telling negative stories about the nurses to myself or to others, and I did my best to not act-out my suffering by either treating myself or others poorly.

I wanted to have loving and caring interactions with the hospital staff, and I believed that it was possible. I noticed that I felt ashamed that I was feeling irritated with the nurses, and I noticed that I was worried that I would upset them by telling them that I thought that they were feeling irritated. I knew that this was an opportunity to dispel shame and break though into a deeper relationship with myself and the nursing staff.

When my main nurse came by, rather than simply not addressing it, I was courageous enough to start the conversation.

“I’m noticing that I’m feeling really emotionally sensitive since the operation,” I said.

“Yes, you mentioned that earlier,” The nurse responded.

“Well once of the ways that I’m feeling emotionally sensitive is that I seem to be feeling irritated with you and with the other nurses.” I told her.

She responded, “Oh, well that’s understandable, after what you’ve been through. You’ve been treating us really well though. You should see what we usually have to deal with.”

I said, “Thank you for taking care of me. I’ve also been imagining that you, and the other nurses and nurse assistants, have been feeling irritated with me.”

“Oh, no, we’re not irritated with you at all. You’re one of our easier patients. You’re a pleasure to work with.” She said.

“Oh, okay. I’m pleased I could talk with you about this.” I said.

“No problem. You’ve been through a lot and I want you to get some rest.” She told me.

From that moment on, I stopped feeling irritated with any of the staff, and the staff appeared to not be irritated with me. I don’t know if I had been projecting my irritation onto them, and they had been projectively identifying with it, or if I had been misinterpreting subtle things like facial expressions through a lens that expected irritation. It was magical how our dynamic shifted. Every time I interacted with one of them, and looked into their eyes, all I could see was love and care.

Later in the evening, I was suffering from urine retention caused by the general anesthetic. I could not pee, and trying to pee felt like trying to push razor blades out of my urethra. Because of the earlier interactions with them, I felt much more close to the nurses, and I was able to reveal that I felt scared, and to cry in front of them. I was able to get my emotional needs met with them, inside the container that I had helped to create with my honesty and courage.

My bladder ended up getting so full that the nurses had to give me a urethral catheter, and they drained 1.2 liters of urine from my bladder. That’s a lot of urine; my bladder feels full when it contains only 0.5 liters. I was scared and almost panicking as the nurses prepared and inserted the catheter. While they did that, they were extraordinarily caring and supportive. One of the nurses even stroked my arm. Again, I was able to not only get my medical needs met, but also my emotional safety needs met, and all because I had deepened the relationship earlier.

My wish for you is that you can begin to increase your awareness of your emotional reactions, take responsibility for them, and start communicating your needs adaptively, in all your relationships, but especially in your primary intimate relationship.

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