The Key to Great Relationships…

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In my informal, decades long and entirely voluntary side job of advising people with regard to relationships I’ve learnt a thing or two about what makes for a successful one. And it’s such a simple tool. To know what makes a successful relationship work so well you have to first look at what causes unsuccessful ones.

Assuming that there is no domestic abuse in a relationship — if there is conflict it is nearly always because there is a fundamental difference in values between the couple. Our core values inform all of our decision making, whether we know it or not. This is why there is huge value in doing a values exercise to find out what your values are and if you’re in a relationship in asking your partner to do one too.

There’s loads of free values exercisesonline, you’re pretty much looking for a long list of values in which you go through and pick the 10 that are most important to you.

Once you have both done one I suggest then putting them in order numbered 1 to 10, 1 being the value that is most important to you. Then compare with your partner. Where values are closely aligned (so similar or identical values) within the top 10 there is little cause for conflict within the relationship. Couples with similar or aligned top values tend for the most part to have peaceful, happy relationships.

However imagine a couple one of whom has the core values of Security, Restraint and Prudence as their top 3 while their partner’s top 3 are Boldness, Spontaneity and Generosity. With a couple like this there is a lot of room for tension, as the most important values to them both have no crossover — in fact they are almost completely opposite.

All of us act in a way that is congruent with our values. Now, when I say this I mean theactual values we have and not our perceived values. Perceived values are the ones we think we have. Many of us think, or would like to think that we hold certain values that are more about the kind of person we want others to think we are, than who we actually are. Think on those U.S politicians who are stridently anti gay rights and are then caught having sex with men. Their perceived value of morality is not the actual lived value. (Not that it is immoral for men to have sex, but morality is one of the values a lot of U.S politicians seem to say is their highest value.)

So when doing the exercise try and be as honest with yourself as you can. Think about how you handled difficult times in your life and ask yourself did your responses come from the values you’ve written down or are some missing. Ask your friends and partners what they think your main values are. They may be able to paint a better picture for you, since they’re focus is on your actions rather than how you wish to be perceived. Lived valuescome out in our actions, perceived valuescome out in how we wish others to think of us.

If you can think back to the last time you had a fight with your partner (ex or current) look at what the core value was that each of you were fighting about. For example, one couple I know fight a lot about parenting. One of them has core values of discipline, authority and toughness, the other compassion, kindness and mercy. When dealing with problems with their children each person acts from their values — which causes massive amounts of conflict as they are radically different. If that couple both had similar values then there would be little space for discord between them.

The couples I know who have the most loving and conflict-free relationships are those with the most aligned core values. If you’re looking for a relationship I suggest doing the core values exercise and asking any potential partners what their core values are, it could save you a lot of hassle in the future. May all your relationships be aligned, enjoyable and conflict-free ❤